realization.

I’m such a kid, in all aspects of the word. I’m such a kid.

solace.

A man feels powerless when another man provides the person he loves comfort and solace, when he himself cant. ‘Tis especially worse when he is the cause of his loved one’s pain and suffering.

am i afraid?

I realized that there’s always a source of our troubles and conflicts. In my case, I had a problem with partying and drinking. That’s mainly why I don’t like people who party and drink. Well, that’s in the past now. I had an argument with her last week about the two. She wanted to go out and have fun with her friends, while my being me, adamantly said PLEASE NO. I asked her, “why do you have to go out?” “why do you have to drink?” “I partying the only way to have fun?” At first, I didn’t know where my feelings were coming from. Mere misunderstanding simply doesn’t cut it. I just felt this twisted passion and hatred. Despite what I had to say, she went anyway. The entire time she was there, I was fidgety. I kept questioning myself, “how could she do that?” “does she that attracted to parties?” “what’s so good about them?” “am I just being an idiot?” As pathetic as it sounds, those questions really did go through my head. When she got back from the party, she texted me and said she had fun. I just bade her good night and went to sleep, without saying the usual cute kissy kissy stuff. The next morning, our unhappy mood/argument continued. Our conversation was terse and cold. Hardly any trace of warm emotion could be found. Then, though I don’t exactly remember who started it, we began to dive into the issue at hand. Naturally, she wanted to know why I was pissed, and I simply told her that I was pissed because of her. She got angry at me after that. I guess it’s stupid not to get angry after someone tells you something like that. Anyhow, we exchanged harsh comments, then we stopped talking for a while. During that time, I kept on trying to find why I felt such inexplicable hatred toward drinking and partying. I asked myself, “what’s wrong with those?” For hours I thought about it. Then I eventually…gave up. I wanted to talk to her again so that we could find a solution to the problem at hand. It was somewhat awkward…and scary..at first, since I didn’t know how she would react….

prayer.

Lord, I ask you for your forgiveness for being narrow-minded and unable to control my tongue today. Please  give me strength and understanding to forgive those who have caused me pain. In Jesus’ name I pray.

Amen.

I don’t like it.

So my friend and I had an argument today over the passing of the health care bill. It got quite heated as different aspects of the argument divulged themselves. I realize that I could have said things a bit differently to make my words sound less provocative and offensive, but that did not – by any means – justify the way he talked about my parents. To paraphrase, he basically said I have no idea how the healthcare system or anything related to healthcare and doctors because I come from a mere family of chefs and he comes from a family of doctors. Why did he have to make this argument about my parents? Upon his mentioning of how doctors’ salaries will go down when the government universalizes the healthcare, I said that his fixation on monetary gains is greedy, more or less. I realize that my use of such word was a bit offensive, I did not mention or imply anything about his parents being “greedy asses” for being doctors who make exorbitant amounts of money. Then what prompted him to bring my parents into this argument? I have no idea. As much as I hate to blame people and hold grudges – if such word applies here – against people, I really HATE when people talk negatively about my parents, especially when they have no idea what my parents had to go through to get to where they are today. I am not saying that my family is filthy rich and can afford so much stuff because of what they had to endure, but what I am saying is that without their sacrifice, I would not have been able to be here. If his words were prompted by my own attacks on his parents, then I would not be as angry. Since this is not the case, however, I am PISSED OFF. Well, not anymore because I hate arguing. Nevertheless, that was very low of him. I had thought he would be smarter and more careful than that, but I suppose I was wrong.

so the health care bill got passed.

Why do people want to become doctors? For fame? For compassion? For money? If their reason is the latter, then I believe their intentions are misplaced. For me, I want to become a doctor because I feel the need to reciprocate the love and care I have received from my parents to others in need. I have received so much from them that I am overflowing with compassion and a sense of duty to allow others to feel what I feel and receive what I was able to receive from my parents. My parents sacrificed their life for me and my brother. They gave up their life in Korea to come to the US to give us the best chance possible, the best education, the best life. My parents gave their all for their kids. I am compelled to help others, especially those in need, to feel as loved and as cherished as I was in the grace of my devoted parents. That is why I want to become a doctor; as naive as it might seem, I genuinely want to aid those in need.

grades.

SO. I studied for the calc exam I had today for a week. Then I went in there today and messed up on one problem. I didn’t know why I was satisfied with the work I did when I went back to check my answers after having finished the exam about 15 minutes before the end of class. I was so angry about it when I learned of my mistake. I thought I could get a 100 this time and take it a bit easy on the final exam, but it looks like I still have to study mad hard to pull through with a 90 in that class. rawr. I didn’t want to do anything else when I realized it. I was in a catatonic state for hours on end. Even during dinner, I didn’t really talk too much. I have to admit though, being out with friends who care about you is the best thing for a depressed heart. After dinner, we went to a s’mores party at Scobell, where I got to eat some chocolate and play around with fire. The warmth the fire gave was really nice too, especially on a cold day like today. And of course! bubbly was there for me today, as she’s been as always (: I really appreciate what she does for me, being my talking buddy, counselor, friend, lover, inspiration. I thank her so much for worrying about me and taking care of me today (love you <3). Then after a while, during which I wallowed in my sorrow, a feeling of…almost like vengeance…started to grow in my heart. I felt as if I had to prove to people that I wasn’t retarded or idiotic as I seem or pretend to be. On top of that, I want to prove to myself that I’m really not that dumb, but ultimately, my motivation to do study even harder and get that straight A’s comes from how much I miss bubbly. She wasn’t too happy about my being sad/depressed today, and I feel bad that I made her feel that way. From now on, 11/7/09, I will kick butt in academics. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

bothersome.

I don’t understand why I dislike parties. Has anyone done anything to me that caused me to dislike them? Have I been harmed at parties? I really don’t know why. Sometimes I think it’s the way I was raised that plays a big role in my dislike. Though my parents, especially my dad, is quite old school and thinks that a man needs to learn how to drink and tolerate alcohol to better himself in future, they’re also faithful Christians who raised their kids by good morals and beliefs. In that case, have I been indoctrinated to hold distaste toward parties? I don’t think so. I mean, I like parties. They are great places to meet people and dance. A great place to let off some stress that’s accumulated during the intense week. What then bothers me so much about parties? If I really had to come up with an answer to that, then I’d probably go with the fact that I’ve heard and seen so many lewd, ridiculous, and obscene things from college parties. Though I maybe generalizing too much, there are a good number of guys at parties wanting to get laid that night with a girl, whom they haven’t seen before. There are also people looking to get wasted for the sake of getting wasted. I understand that there are fun aspects to parties: dancing, music, people, food, etc. However, do I want to expose myself to such an atmosphere? I really don’t know. As my girlfriend tells me that she’s going out tomorrow to a party, I am getting worried. A part of it comes from what I know and hear of parties. Another comes from my inability to trust her completely. I know and feel that she loves me dearly, and I love her back with passion. Do I want her to expose herself to the shadiness that goes on during parties? No, of course not. But I have to remember that there other aspects of parties that are definitely fun and worthwhile. So what am I to do? As simple as it may sound, trust and faith seem to be the only answers here. I have to trust and have faith in her to make good decisions, which I’m sure she will. TRUST & FAITH. TRUST & FAITH.TRUST & FAITH.TRUST & FAITH.TRUST & FAITH.TRUST & FAITH.TRUST & FAITH.TRUST & FAITH.TRUST & FAITH.TRUST & FAITH.TRUST & FAITH.TRUST & FAITH.TRUST & FAITH.TRUST & FAITH.TRUST & FAITH.TRUST & FAITH.TRUST & FAITH.TRUST & FAITH.TRUST & FAITH.TRUST & FAITH.TRUST & FAITH.

it’s been a while.

Many things happened I posted last: I visited Korea, cried my eyes out when I began to miss my beloved ones, had a ton of fun with my friends in Korea, came back and told my girlfriend that I loved her, and I started college. Speaking of which, college has been getting better each day. After spending the first night here, I became very much homesick. It wasn’t to the point at which I turned catatonic, but I still felt being asocial and staying within my comfort zone. However the concept of “comfort zone” began to dissipate as the orientations week flew by and the classes started. Each and everyday I wake up to love where I am and how at-home I feel. I know there are certain things that could be improved here, but overall, I am fortunate and happy that I attend this school.

thursday.

I guess when the end finally comes around, you think more and more about the beginning.
Good times. What’s ahead?