Letters of Recommendation.

me:  be like…”YO, TEACH! YOU LIKE ME, RIGHT? WANNA WRITE ME RECS? THX DAWG.

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rachel:  oh wow! what a great idea!

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me:  that would get you so many recs, yo.

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rachel:  kunhe. you so smart. mmyeah. such great recs too.

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me:  you wouldnt know what to do with all of them.

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rachel:  i would shower in them.

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uhhh…what?

BAM!

Rachel:  do guys bond over working out together?

Me:  actually, guys bond over just about everything.

Rachel:  do you wanna know what girls bond over?

Me:  guys?

WIN.

beautiful.

What is love? It may sound like a cliche question. But really. Can you give a clear, honest answer to the question?

In a secular mindset, love is something that you need to work for. For example: you most likely won’t find the love of your life by just sitting around the house, watching TV, and eating bagel pizzas. If you want to be a hopeless romantic, then love is something that you’re destined to – no matter what you do, there will eventually be a person that will walk into your life and become the center of it. Yet, in either case, you’re never certain of what that love is and how the feeling lasts. Just read the number of divorce papers submitted to the government each year and each party’s complaint toward another.

However, would you believe it if there is free love that’s available 24/7?  Love that always looks out for you; love that always exists; love that never fails. And all you have to do is accept it. Pretty sweet deal, right?

Then another question arises. What are we doing here, not accepting the love that will surely make our lives x9999999999999 richer? What’s holding us back? What’s YOUR problem?

Alive again.

For some reason, I’ve recently been thinking how good things were when I was little: almost no homework on most nights, straight A’s without breaking a sweat, not having to worry a thing about how to make each day work, etc. Now things are obviously different; what I didn’t have to worry before has become like a cold wrecking ball that shatters what little achievements and dreams I have gathered over the years. Yet, I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that I’m not alone. Even on days that strip me down to bare bones, I know that His mercy and graces pours over me incessantly. To a frail and ignorant person like me, His acts are incomprehensible. I can only thank and find comfort in Him.

“The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge, my savior…”

- from 2 Samuel 22

Clean. Clean. Then Clean Some More.

Some like sports: soccer, baseball, basketball, etc. Some like TV shows: House, The Office, Glee, etc.

More so than the listed above, I like cleaning. Yes. C-L-E-A-N-I-N-G. It’s something that I do that makes me like I have a purpose in life. Well, not exactly “a purpose.” The feeling of accomplishment, I suppose, is more like it. Then again, a lot of other tasks or things gives people that exactly feeling. Some may say doing homework and studying would do it (actually, I think I fit in this category too). Others say running a 5k race does the trick (then again, I’m not the running type).

I have a smal, tiny, ultra small desire to start a business, even though I sound like any other Korean guy opening a dry cleaning shop. “Kun He’s Cleaning Service.” “We Clean, Clean, then Clean Some More,” that would be the business jingle/catch phrase. Perhaps, I should start attracting people to clean their rooms in my dorm building. Then perhaps, expand, to cover other dorms. I’m sure though, the university’s facilities managment services might have a say about this.

Don’t judge me because I like to clean. Maybe, judge me because I’m cleaner than you.

JK.

I promise you.

2010 has come and gone. Now in its wake stands 2011.

“It’s another year,” I say. Yet, saying that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

A veil of lazy Saturday night stupor covers me, and my eyes wander off the screen to my wallet, next to the mouse. As I rummage through it – with coins, cards, pictures, and all – my fingers come across the seal of the state of New Jersey. Its holographic splendor brings focus to my eyes. As I lose interest in the ladies holding sticks, however, I notice the expiration date: 12-31-2011. Another trip to the DMV.

“Issued: 12-18-2008,” it also reminds me. That was during my senior year in high school.

Then a flood of feelings and memories sweep away the laziness, and I am filled with regrets and emptiness, more so than with fondness and joy. A punch-in-the-stomach feeling reveals my hope: “if I can just go back…”

What I had once had, now I have lost. What I had once known, now I have forgotten. For what I had once cherished, now I have apathy.

I suspect that something is fiddling with my mind, coming up with all these thoughts and emotions. But what?

Things I know in my head are pounding away at my sanity to think otherwise. My heart, however, cannot stop lingering on the bruises I gave myself.

If I had one chance – just one – to make right all the wrongs I have done, would my life be different than it is now? Would I be happy with myself then?

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

K: It was wrong again. L: What was wrong? K: The Weather
Channel. L: They give random percentages for chance of
precipitation and a ballpark number of the amount of precipitation.
K: You trust them? L: Most of the time…? K: They said we’d get
about 8 inches of snow. L: Yeah, I know. So? K: We got 21. L:
Oh…

I can hear you all around me.

K: You were never good at making decisions.
L: I know. Decisions scare me.

K: You’re all grown up now. Man up!
L: It’s not that easy.

K: Sure, it is. Just look at me.
L: You and I are different.

K: Okay, fine. You have to make the decision at some point.
L: But I don’t know what I want…

K: Pick something. Weigh the consequences. Then go for it.
L: You think I’m that incapable?

K: It depends.
L: I’m just torn.

Once upon a December.

K: So?
L: It could have gone better.

K: What do you mean?
L: She was there.

K: I thought you went through the scenario a million times over.
L: That I did.

K: You told me you were going to be alright with her.
L: What can I say? Things went so well in my head. Just not in reality.

K: So what exactly happened?
L: There’s nothing to it. I just froze.

K: But you saw her there. Yes?
L: Yes. I wanted to approach her.

K: Why didn’t you?
L: I don’t know. I just didn’t have enough courage…

K: Did she see you?
L: I think she did. I’m sure she did.

K: Did she say anything to you?
L: No…

K: So what now?
L: Good question.

K: Will you ever make it right with her?
L: I want to…I hope so.

 

 

Exams.

This happened last year too. It always feels like it’s unfair; it always feels like it caught me by surprise. It is only after waddling in my own pitiful thoughts that I realize I can blame no one but me.

No more tomfoolery. Word.